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Monday, January 31, 2005 ( 7:52 PM ) lisa She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough.I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in,And I don't know if I've ever been really loved,By a hand that's touched me,And I feel like something's gonna give,And I'm a little bit angry.Well, this ain't over, no, not here,Not while I still need you around.You don't owe me, we might change,Yeah, we just might feel good.(chorus)I wanna push you around,Well, I will,Well, I will,I wanna push you down,Well, I will,Well, I will,I wanna take you for granted,I wanna take you for granted,Yeah, yeah, well, I will.She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me,Like I'm a little untrusting,When I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya,And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me.You couldn't stand to be near me,When my face don't seem to want to shine,'Cause it's a little bit dirty.Well, don't just stand there, say nice things to me,'Cause I've been cheated, I've been wronged,And you, you don't know me,Yeah, well, I can't change.I won't do anything at all.(chorus)Oh, but don't bowl me over.Just wait a minute, well, it kinda fell apart,Things get so crazy, crazy.Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby, baby. +++ i'd been bothered by this line in the song when i first heard it. Being taken for granted and taking others for granted. These are things you don't wanna experience in any relationship. But there's more than it seems i suppose, because only people close enough in a relationship get to take each other for granted (otherwise, you're an asshole). Still, how can we resist from feeling how we feel - upset, cheated. If only we were this rational. we'd be walking machines. +++ i need the chinese new year. i wanna visit my relatives. Every cny visiting is meaningful for me coz they help me reflect on my life ("So What are You Studying Now?" "You look fatter/slimmer har?") and how years seem to pass just like that (the ageing relatives, and me too yea). i love chinese new year. every year is different, in its own way. 
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Friday, January 28, 2005 ( 8:40 AM ) lisa "If people define situations as real, they are real in their consequences."
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Sunday, January 16, 2005 ( 1:16 AM ) lisa Jesus, ?
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( 1:12 AM ) lisa Isn't It So. I've lots to write. And the world to fight. Fight back tears, fears and hurts the world can cause. I don't pray anymore. But I still sing songs. Just because. What's going on? ++++++++++++
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Thursday, January 06, 2005 ( 11:24 PM ) lisa i'm in pain. Not a good way to start off the first week of the year. I had quite an experience at the clinic this afternoon, but i'm so glad Jesse was there with me. Sigh. Went to consult the doctor about this lump in my neck that've been growing for 3 months plus, since the boyfriend felt it and gave much attention to it. I was still ignorant, but really ignorant is bliss. (stupid?) So, yeah, we observed last night that it's Grown - according to the doc's finger measurements of 0.5 x 1 cm. Finally dragged myself to the clinic. The doctor was rather quiet when she examined me. She asked questions, but didnt offer more. As though it could be something grave and fatal. "Do you have a family history of cancer?" Instinctively I said "No" But factually I havent given enough thought. Many of her questions I answered instinctively most of the time. Maybe it's her quietness, like as though she suspects the lump is something really bad, but just not telling me. And instinctively I seem to want to defend myself by giving all the 'I am healthy and well' answers. So, I had to do a blood test. As usual, they have difficulty locating my fine, shy and deeply embedded veins. All together, they poked 6 or 7 times. haha, I'm hole-ly. But well, it wasn't painful at all, i just felt sorry for the nurse and doctor. After 2 successful attempts, the nurse held up the tube of blood. I said "That's my precious blood". The nurse hurried to the Blood and Urine Test Laboratory with my Precious Blood. Waited. Got the results and I tried to figure out what all those graphs and histogram means. Unfortunately, I obtained nothing from all that trying. Waited. Enter the doc's office again. "The results show that you have a slight viral infection." OK... hmm? A few more questions and I'm out. Antibiotics and another blood test 2 weeks later. Less holes next time probably? +++ Just Outta the clinic I rolled in pain. Lied on the couch for some time while Jesse bought panadol for me. Took 2 tablets, couldnt swallow. Bitter. Lied down some more. Made our way back to my hall. Made several stops and squats on the way to ease my sudden White Lights Before My Eyes, All That Dizz, and Seemingly Nausea (read Faint). +++ Woke up, called my mum and told her ( only ) about the viral infection. She went on saying that I shouldnt talk on my handphone for long hours as it may cause Cancer... and something about the Brain.... (?) haha, mother. Gotta thank the boyfriend for bugging me to see the doctor. oh Love.
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